Boundaries

So I was at the club with S the other day, up to our usual antics. The routine intoxicants were present, free and just calling us to use in order to wake up the next morning and not remember the night. And it did happen, but I do remember one point of the night when something sobered me up in the form of an old mutual friend of an ex who I hadn't seen since around October.
Some time after we got there, this guy that barely knew me said, "You know you're like a different person. I used to think you reminded me of ****, but now you like dude you with. You even talk like him."
I need a break from this cycle, discover what I look and talk like when I'm not trying to merge with someone.
Moreover, I think I have some kind of boundary issue; or maybe not so much boundaries on account of the fact that I'd need boundaries in order to have a boundary issue. But I guess the real problem with me is that I disappear into the person I love; the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can generally have everything; my time, my money, my ass, my family, my attention, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time, my fish - everything. If I love you, I carry all your pain, your debts(in every definition of the word), protect you from your insecurities, protect you from my insecurities, enforce all the good qualities that you never see in yourself and I'll buy your whole family Christmas presents, ribbon on top and everything. I'll give you the sun, the moon, and if I can't, I'll get you a raincheque. I'll exhaust myself, deplete myself, and juice out all the love until I recover my energy by falling in love with someone else or you get too tired of my unconditional state.
It almost seems like nobody deserves my love, but I guess nobody deserves the burden of it either.
I'm not relaying this realization on this blog with pride, but this is how it's always been, and my reminder not to make it how it'll always be.

9/9

There was a time when I used to be permissive and tolerate the faults of my relationship; mainly because I'd never seen so much money come and go so easily, been with someone who could provide for me financially, mentally, sexually and still be able to take care of everything I needed - down to cleaning and furnishing our house together all by himself; or building a future with realistic goals. I used to convince myself it was permanent; he filled every empty void in my life with the time and energy I spent on him. It felt good getting caught up in the lifestyle broadcasted through the songs we all hear on the radio.
Nonetheless, after making irreversible mistakes, permanent consequences were left for me to deal with alone; I guess my mistakes reinforced the fact that nothing lasts forever - something I shouldn't have forgotten or hoped for otherwise.
However, these are all used to be's. I've never taken disrespect from a broke motherfucker but no man; no matter how much I think I love him, is ever going to be relevant to me again - at least not in the way I left myself open before. Afterall, I can get it all, all by my damn self. Always have, always will.
I am a product of my environment, but my soul belongs to Me.

Endurance

The finest thing under the sun and moon is the human soul. I marvel at the small miracles of kindness that pass between humans, like the tired teenager straight from school who doesn't know anything about life yet but gets up to let the little old lady take his seat. I marvel at the growth of conscience; of the guilt humans feel and their attempts to correct the consequences. I marvel at the persistance of reason in the face of all fear or despair. I marvel at the strength of the woman coming out of the broken relationship or the parent that has to bury their child; the progress one makes in order to pick up and reconstruct the pieces of their lives. I marvel at human endurance.